Funnies

How's your day going?

2012-02-25T08:30:00.001+11:00

Come to think of it, my day is going pretty good!

The Perfect Crime Pepsi Advert

2012-02-21T20:32:00.001+11:00

New Portable Speed Camera

2012-02-19T21:26:00.000+11:00

How to avoid getting hit by a train

2012-02-18T00:59:00.000+11:00

Here's what you might find at the 1st Annual Wal-Mart Car Show

2012-02-16T00:14:00.000+11:00

Lemonade on a Road Trip

2012-02-14T20:28:00.000+11:00

Simon's Cat

2012-02-14T16:57:00.001+11:00

The world's first gaming frog who doesn't like to play the game.

2012-02-12T16:49:00.000+11:00

How to keep Jehovah's Witnesses from knocking

2012-02-09T21:28:00.000+11:00

How to pronounce the word "Guinness"

2012-02-08T23:07:00.000+11:00

9 Year Old Playing Banjo

2012-02-08T21:41:00.001+11:00

An Irish Car Rescue

2012-02-06T13:11:00.000+11:00

This happened in Ireland .

I could have sworn I hit the brake pedal!
Car upside down in the bay - see the guy standing on it?
Call out the Crane Truck!

Coming back up...coming...coming

...almost there!

Ooops!

HAVE YOU SEEN MY CAR?

2012-02-05T22:10:00.000+11:00

SEEMS LEGIT

2012-02-05T21:42:00.000+11:00

ITALIAN CRUISE SHIP CAPTAIN FRANCESCO SCHETTINO BEGAN HIS NEW JOB AS A BUS DRIVER YESTERDAY...

2012-02-04T17:55:00.001+11:00

AMERICA, F*** YEAH!

2012-02-02T20:34:00.000+11:00

HAPPY HOUR IN AFRICA

2012-02-02T07:17:00.000+11:00

SHE DOES THIS EVERY TIME I LEAVE FOR WORK, AND IT BREAKS MY HEART. EVERY. TIME.

2012-02-01T20:28:00.001+11:00

SHEEP CYCLONE

2012-02-01T20:26:00.001+11:00

WHEN MUSE WAS TOLD THEY HAD TO PERFORM IN PLAYBACK, THE BAND MEMBERS ALL SWITCHED INSTRUMENTS AND NO ONE NOTICED.

2012-02-01T20:21:00.000+11:00

TEN PENCE

2012-01-31T08:10:00.001+11:00

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face ...
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back ...

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10ps but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly ... tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10ps, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the Tax Office ... "

WHAT IS A GOLF BALL WORTH?

2012-01-29T21:39:00.001+11:00

The ball was in the pond on Hole 16 at Oak Crest Golf Club in Norway, Michigan, USA.

It was a brand new Title list with the Verso logo on it and he didn't want to loose it OR take the two stroke penalty as he was already behind in points!!!

NEVER PUT YOUR ARM IN THE WATER TO RETRIEVE A GOLF BALL!!!!!!!!!!!

They managed to sew his arm back on. He was playing golf again within 6 months!!

MY CHOICE OF 3 "BEST TAKES" ON US PRESIDENTS!!

2012-01-29T21:36:00.000+11:00

DOVE RUINS CATS NAP

2012-01-29T21:28:00.001+11:00

BRITISH AIRWAYS COMMERCIAL ALTERNATIVE

2012-01-29T21:22:00.000+11:00

CAN YOU READ THIS?

2012-01-25T23:52:00.001+11:00

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this sarhe it.

BREAST IMPLANTS MADE IN JAPAN

2012-01-25T21:57:00.000+11:00

ACTUAL CHRISTMAS CARDS

2012-01-25T21:54:00.001+11:00

MAN LEFT DOG ON LEASH OUTSIDE OF AN ELEVATOR

2012-01-24T20:19:00.000+11:00

EXTREME MOTORBIKE JUMP

2012-01-24T19:56:00.001+11:00

ROADSIDE CAFE

2012-01-24T19:51:00.000+11:00

Natures Cycle in the Process

These pictures were taken by one of the Main Roads road crew at Cooyar (North of Toowoomba, QLD) last week. It took a total of 5 hours for the snake to finish off the Goanna. As you can see, they put some signage up so it couldn't be run over.

THE ENGLISH PLURAL ACCORDING TO...

2012-01-24T09:17:00.002+11:00

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England

MEN WHO LACK SUPERVISION

2012-01-24T07:59:00.003+11:00

YOUR DUCK IS DEAD

2012-01-24T07:57:00.003+11:00

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her

pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the

bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,

your duck, Cuddles, has just passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any

testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few

minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on

in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the

examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few

minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also

delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its

haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is

most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,

which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,

"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill

would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now

$150."

WALKING THE DOG

2012-01-24T07:56:00.000+11:00

WALKING THE DOG

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly
underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her and calling her by name, said,"Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady said, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind! Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses !

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story.....
Have a great day and remember....
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR .

ONE THING GEEKS PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE USING AT A COFFEE SHOP

2012-01-23T22:41:00.001+11:00

I ALWAYS THOUGHT AUSTRALIANS WERE DIFFERENT FROM THE REST OF US

2012-01-23T22:27:00.001+11:00

WHICH ONE IS WORSE?

2012-01-22T22:55:00.001+11:00

ALPINE COASTER WITH NO BRAKES

2012-01-22T22:51:00.000+11:00

NEW VACUUM

2012-01-21T10:13:00.001+11:00

GERMAN TECHNOLOGY

2012-01-19T20:57:00.001+11:00

COSTA CONCORDIA JOKES

2012-01-19T20:46:00.000+11:00

Costa Concordia's First Officer asked the ship's navigator where they were. Navigator replied, 'Well, the Skipper says we're up Sh*t Creek, but I can't find it on the chart'.

The rescuers found three Scotsmen in a semi-submerged bar. "Quick - abandon ship!", they said. "Not us Jimmie!", was the reply, "We're on All Inclusive".

A man rang his local model shop and asked if they had a model of the Costa Concordia. "Yes", they said. "Great", he replied, "ll come and collect it later - could you put it on one side for me?"

I got a text the next morning. "Don't forget to buy your tickets for this week's Costa Concordia lottery - it's a rollover."

Lionel Ritchie has cancelled his forthcoming shows on cruise ships. Apparently 'Dancing on the Ceiling' doesn't have the appeal it used to".

BEATBOXING FLUTE

2012-01-18T22:16:00.001+11:00

SLIMMEST TELEVISION FROM LG ELECTRONICS

2012-01-18T11:28:00.001+11:00

THREE BODIES

2012-01-17T22:52:00.000+11:00

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,' says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector
'Thought he was having his picture taken.'

WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE DIRECT IN TEXT MESSAGES

2012-01-17T09:35:00.000+11:00

AA MEETING

2012-01-17T09:25:00.003+11:00

BEFORE AND NOW

2012-01-14T00:22:00.000+11:00

SLOW AND UNSTEADY WINS THE SPRINT

2012-01-09T04:47:00.000+11:00

INTERESTING PHOTOS

2012-01-07T19:57:00.000+11:00

The world's highest chained carousel, located in Vienna , at a height of 117 meters.

Thor's Well a/k/a "the gates of the dungeon" on Cape Perpetua , Oregon . At moderate tide and strong surf, flowing water creates a fantastic landscape

Emerald Lake in the crater of an extinct volcano. Tongariro National Park - New Zealand

Restaurant on a cliff on the east coast of Zanzibar .

Depending on the tide the restaurant can be reached both on foot and by boat.

Office of Selgas Cano in Madrid

Desert with Phacelia (Scorpion Weed). Flowering once in several years.

Balloons in Cappadocia .

Dubai . The view from the skyscraper BurjKhalifa. The height of buildings is 828 m (163 floors).

And this is the view down

These trees grow in the forest near Gryfino , Poland . The cause of the curvature is unknown

The border between Belgium and the Netherlands in a cafe

Twice a year in the Gulf of Mexico rays migrate. About 10 thousand stingrays swim from the Yucatan Peninsula to Florida in the spring and back in the fall.

In the resort town of Skagen you can watch an amazing natural phenomenon. This city is the northernmost point of Denmark, where the Baltic and North Seas meet. The two opposing tides in this place cannot merge because they have different densities.

In the Chinese province of Shandong is a bridge across the Gulf of Jiaozhou . The bridge length over 36 km is calculated for eight car lanes, and is the longest sea bridge in the world.

Day and night. The monument in Kaunas , Lithuania

An unusual tunnel in California 's Sequoia National Park

This statue, created by Bruno Catalano, is located in France

Family photo

The longest traffic jam in the world recorded in China . Its length is 260 kilometers

Paris computer games store. In fact, the floor is absolutely flat.

Marcus Levine - slaughtering an artist in the literal sense. He creates his paintings by nailing a white wooden panel. At his latest series of paintings exhibited in a gallery in London , Marcus has spent more than 50 000 pieces of iron.

In the city of Buford (USA) lives just one person. He works as a janitor and as a mayor.

Autumn camouflage

Haus Rizzi - Germany .

Lena Pillars. Russia , the Lena River .

Banpo Bridge in Seoul , South Korea

Favelas of Brazil . The boundary between wealth and poverty.

Lost paradise in the Indian Ocean . Isle of Lamu.

Balcony of floor 103 in Chicago .

From the outside it looks like

View of the sunset from inside the wave.

This is a unique geological phenomenon known as Danxia landform. These phenomena can be observed in several places in China . This example is located in Zhangye, Province of Gansu . The color is the result of an accumulation for millions of years of red sandstone and other rocks.

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In northwestern Montana , USA . The water is so transparent that it seems that this is a quite shallow lake. In fact, it’s very deep.

Airport in the Maldives is located on an artificial island in the middle of the Indian Ocean

Lighthouse guard in Mare , France must be one of the most courageous people on the planet!

Not everyone will have a smoke in such weather, and in such a place!

Photo of storm in Montana , USA , 2010

Skyscraper-Crescent Crescent Moon Tower ( Dubai )

Heavy fog in Sydney , which enveloped the whole city

The river above the river: Magdeburg Water Bridge , Germany .

Morning Glory - kind of clouds observed in the Gulf of Carpentaria in northern Australia

Gibraltar Airport is one of the most extraordinary airports around the world

THE VIAGRA DIET

2012-01-07T01:46:00.000+11:00

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."

A SINGER

2012-01-03T04:10:00.001+11:00

THE SPOON

2012-01-03T04:05:00.001+11:00

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation. Very Impressive!
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

CHEAP FLIGHTS

2012-01-03T03:58:00.002+11:00

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,
She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....
Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before?

GOLDFISH

2012-01-03T03:51:00.000+11:00

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Pat:- I reckon he's an accountant.

Seamus:- No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat:- He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Pat: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Er ... mmm ....... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ........ built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Seamus: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Seamus: - Nope.

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker.

SWIMMING PIGS IN THE CRYSTAL CLEAR SEA OF THE BAHAMAS

2011-12-21T13:04:00.001+11:00

BEST FUNNIES OF YOUTUBE 2011

2011-12-20T21:51:00.000+11:00

APOLOGY

2011-12-19T23:54:00.002+11:00

All,

Over the past few months I have forwarded some inappropriate pictures and jokes to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humour.

Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow.

If you were one of these people, please accept my sincerest apologies.

Looking onward, I will only post with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics.

Below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris. It is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build. It was completed in 1604..

BUGGER ME, WHERE DID SHE COME FROM ?

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

2011-12-17T07:54:00.002+11:00

LEAVING HOME

2011-12-17T07:51:00.001+11:00

SUICIDE

2011-12-16T16:14:00.000+11:00

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

EURO DEBT CRISIS EXPLAINED

2011-12-16T15:50:00.002+11:00

MAMA'S BIBLE

2011-12-16T15:39:00.000+11:00

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers...

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together... They

discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida...

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well... I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible... It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him... I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed... After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes...

She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in

only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel... I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes... The

thought was good... Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead... I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind... I'll never use it... Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, You were the only Son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift... The chicken was delicious... Thank you so much."

Love,

Mama